Well hello there July 2013. What have you done with the last 2+ years?
I just took a journey down memory lane and realized what a blessing it is to look back and see how God has moved in my past and where He has brought me from! The last almost 2 years have been full of tremendous change, seemingly more than I have known how to process or put into words.
For starters, I was on the cuff of one of the most thrilling, inspiring summers of my life when my church world went haywire. I was on this mountain top that all youth ministers get on-- hoping to never come down. The next thing I knew many of the people I loved most were slipping away and my faith was being shaken unlike ever before. A congregation of genuine, passionate, on-fire, Jesus-loving people were in an instant misled. I was misled. By others. By Satan. By me.
Confused.
Hurt.
Defensive.
Combative.
Doubtful.
Broken.
Insecure.
Uncertain.
Oh, we of little faith... If I could have only seen what was to come! Without exposing churchscandal2011... I will just conclude with- God knew what He was up to and He fixed and is still fixing all the dents/bruises/gaps we as a church body left on one another. He ultimately laid a mighty fine foundation in many of us that we have in fact- OVERCOME. He has led us out into the world growing, teaching, sharing, loving, and being a mirror of Christ to people everywhere. My heart is overjoyed at where some of my favorite partners in ministry have gone and explored! Students that we were able to reach and now seeing how STRONG they have remained and are making others. Countries that have been brought the gospel.. children that have been adopted.. doctors that are healing in the name of Jesus.. families that have completely been rocked. God has not for a second forgotten His people.
We may have gone many directions, but we still serve ONE God and are still one body. Amen & Amen.
Over the past 2 years, personally we have been in a state of constant transition and are not settled in quite yet! I am 0.5 of a nurse so far and will finally be a real RN as of next May. The hardest working man I know, my husband, is transitioning into a new job position where he will serve as a Curriculum Specialist at his elementary school. He also just completed his master's in administration this past May! I am literally in awe of him everyday-- He is my inspiration.
I will start a position at the hospital as a nurse extern starting next month, too. So, life- be it ever changing- is pretty awesome. Though these last 2 years have not been at all what we mapped out for our first few years of marriage, they have been strengthening and character producing (I hope). We are eager to finally continue ministry in our new landing spot, expectant of great things!
Ephesians 2:19-22 "So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit."
Mr. & Mrs. Cooper
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Monday, April 11, 2011
It's not over...
Well, I figured it is about time I get to posting my final blog about the extraordinary week God allowed me to endure. As I begin to write this, I can only think to myself that this couldn't possibly be the final words of this trip-- that this trip has yet to end, perhaps it has only just begun.
Questions I ask myself: how is this fair? Why do I have the things I have and others do not? Why me? What did I do to deserve the many blessings of life I have? Why can't Pablito be healed? Why must those girls have went through tragic rape and abuse? Why did those children have to get AIDS? Why don't those prostitutes have a means for providing in another way? Why did Miguel run away? Why do they have marks from being tied down? Why doesn't anyone love them? Why? Why? Why?
This list barely scratches the surface of the questions that surfaced this week. However, there is one question that I am having trouble allowing to surface: What do you want me to do with all I have seen and felt, God? I am scared to ask him.... More scared of how he will respond and the radical movements he will ask of us.
My last day in El Salvador was really hard but so rewarding. I was so blessed by the sweet special needs girl that desperately wanted to feel love in the form of touch--physically feeling nurture and security-- not being pulled and skin being broken by the rope that was used to contain her. This precious child had marks all over her sides and wrists due to the restraints used to keep her "safe". While she was unable to escape, was she really all that safe? What was she being saved from? What kind of way of life was she being allowed?
As I began to hold her to free up the "tia" to assist another girl, she began to calm down and not be so aggressive. Slowly she began to weaken in the knees and brought me to the ground where she began to snuggle into my arms like a baby-- this girl was probably 14 or 15. She actually felt comforted and relaxed-- I feel like that was a moment of safety for her. Safety from hatred and judgment and bitterness; safety from lack of compassion and false sense of hope and love. She was secure in knowing she was loved and cared for deeply in that moment.
We also spent time at the squatter's camp again where people lined the streets in anticipation for the small gifts we had to offer them-- toothbrushes, small toys, and dresses for the little girls made of pillow cases. These families experienced what looked like Christmas day!
Coming home has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I so badly wanted to wake up and cram into a crowded bus and head off to a destination where we were blessed to share God's love with hurting people... I wanted to jump on the back of a truck tonight to feed the homeless. I want to make appointments with prostitutes and give them wages for an evening in exchange for an evening of dinner or coffee and great conversation. I want so badly to live not for me.... This idea seems so far-fetched in the U.S.
Quickly my day became consumed with trivial things that couldn't possibly be glorifying to the Lord. Business meetings consumed with legality and procedures-- how is God okay with that? Having a process to determine giving a family money for food seems insane to me. God wants us to give radically and unconditionally-- selflessly and compassionately. We must spend more time doing than we do deciding and analyzing.
I know that I have a purpose here in Paducah, KY- God wants to use my life to point others to Him. This trip was not about me; it was not about how amazing it was that God called me; or that he called a few teenage girls; or that we worked hard to make this happen; or anything close to that-- it was that for a moment in time He was greater than us-He provided for us- He sacrificed for us- it was ALL about HIM. Nothing else. So what can my purpose be here and now? How do I let God continue to do this very thing in my life?
Here is a story that a guy from our team shared with me (or similar): A man fell down into a well and couldn't possibly get out alone. An entire community gathered around him to help save him. They at first sent down a rope for him to grab a hold of; but his body was too weak to pull himself out. So, a man was lowered into the well by the community of men around him. He was able to save the man in the well. The question is: who is more important--the man who saved him by being lowered into the well or the men who held the rope? Were they not both equally significant in saving the man?
Last week we got to be the man lowered into the well to save the hurt man... this week we are the men holding the rope. We have to hold the rope that helps saves lives. The trivial things we do in ministry aren't necessarily so trivial (while some certainly are) many things we do are a means to a greater cause. I must keep doing so that lives can continue to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. I can eagerly anticipate the next trip, but in so doing I may miss out on what is happening right here and now. I have to participate (thanks to the wisdom of sweet Mer) and endure the moments of life God is using me in today.
I urge everyone of you to participate in life, fully. Boldly take on the challenges God is asking of you-- recklessly abandon everything for the sake of Him. Seek His face in all that you do-- He is worth it.
Seeing a part of the world you aren't accustom to can richly bless you and greatly transform you. Find a way to fulfill all of the Great Commission by also taking the gospel to the ends of the earth. If there is a way for you to immerse yourself in a different culture, I urge you to do so. You will see God's face in a whole new way. You will see that He is the homeless man, the prostitute, the orphan, the AIDS victim, the broken heart, and the widow...
Questions I ask myself: how is this fair? Why do I have the things I have and others do not? Why me? What did I do to deserve the many blessings of life I have? Why can't Pablito be healed? Why must those girls have went through tragic rape and abuse? Why did those children have to get AIDS? Why don't those prostitutes have a means for providing in another way? Why did Miguel run away? Why do they have marks from being tied down? Why doesn't anyone love them? Why? Why? Why?
This list barely scratches the surface of the questions that surfaced this week. However, there is one question that I am having trouble allowing to surface: What do you want me to do with all I have seen and felt, God? I am scared to ask him.... More scared of how he will respond and the radical movements he will ask of us.
My last day in El Salvador was really hard but so rewarding. I was so blessed by the sweet special needs girl that desperately wanted to feel love in the form of touch--physically feeling nurture and security-- not being pulled and skin being broken by the rope that was used to contain her. This precious child had marks all over her sides and wrists due to the restraints used to keep her "safe". While she was unable to escape, was she really all that safe? What was she being saved from? What kind of way of life was she being allowed?
As I began to hold her to free up the "tia" to assist another girl, she began to calm down and not be so aggressive. Slowly she began to weaken in the knees and brought me to the ground where she began to snuggle into my arms like a baby-- this girl was probably 14 or 15. She actually felt comforted and relaxed-- I feel like that was a moment of safety for her. Safety from hatred and judgment and bitterness; safety from lack of compassion and false sense of hope and love. She was secure in knowing she was loved and cared for deeply in that moment.
We also spent time at the squatter's camp again where people lined the streets in anticipation for the small gifts we had to offer them-- toothbrushes, small toys, and dresses for the little girls made of pillow cases. These families experienced what looked like Christmas day!
Coming home has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I so badly wanted to wake up and cram into a crowded bus and head off to a destination where we were blessed to share God's love with hurting people... I wanted to jump on the back of a truck tonight to feed the homeless. I want to make appointments with prostitutes and give them wages for an evening in exchange for an evening of dinner or coffee and great conversation. I want so badly to live not for me.... This idea seems so far-fetched in the U.S.
Quickly my day became consumed with trivial things that couldn't possibly be glorifying to the Lord. Business meetings consumed with legality and procedures-- how is God okay with that? Having a process to determine giving a family money for food seems insane to me. God wants us to give radically and unconditionally-- selflessly and compassionately. We must spend more time doing than we do deciding and analyzing.
I know that I have a purpose here in Paducah, KY- God wants to use my life to point others to Him. This trip was not about me; it was not about how amazing it was that God called me; or that he called a few teenage girls; or that we worked hard to make this happen; or anything close to that-- it was that for a moment in time He was greater than us-He provided for us- He sacrificed for us- it was ALL about HIM. Nothing else. So what can my purpose be here and now? How do I let God continue to do this very thing in my life?
Here is a story that a guy from our team shared with me (or similar): A man fell down into a well and couldn't possibly get out alone. An entire community gathered around him to help save him. They at first sent down a rope for him to grab a hold of; but his body was too weak to pull himself out. So, a man was lowered into the well by the community of men around him. He was able to save the man in the well. The question is: who is more important--the man who saved him by being lowered into the well or the men who held the rope? Were they not both equally significant in saving the man?
Last week we got to be the man lowered into the well to save the hurt man... this week we are the men holding the rope. We have to hold the rope that helps saves lives. The trivial things we do in ministry aren't necessarily so trivial (while some certainly are) many things we do are a means to a greater cause. I must keep doing so that lives can continue to be transformed into the likeness of Christ. I can eagerly anticipate the next trip, but in so doing I may miss out on what is happening right here and now. I have to participate (thanks to the wisdom of sweet Mer) and endure the moments of life God is using me in today.
I urge everyone of you to participate in life, fully. Boldly take on the challenges God is asking of you-- recklessly abandon everything for the sake of Him. Seek His face in all that you do-- He is worth it.
Seeing a part of the world you aren't accustom to can richly bless you and greatly transform you. Find a way to fulfill all of the Great Commission by also taking the gospel to the ends of the earth. If there is a way for you to immerse yourself in a different culture, I urge you to do so. You will see God's face in a whole new way. You will see that He is the homeless man, the prostitute, the orphan, the AIDS victim, the broken heart, and the widow...
Friday, April 8, 2011
Leading her to acres of hope...
"I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there,
as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt." Hosea 2:15
I have been captured by tragedy this evening and I my heart literally aches for what I've seen tonight.
Today was a good day and much was accomplished. I'd say the team has been enclosed in close quarters excessively... Fortunately, I got to get away twice to do some behind the scenes errands. We decorated girls rooms and it was neat to bless people in a special way that shows them they are worth us spending extra money to give them an at home, cozy feeling. Boy did we do it big in the teen moms room!! They got a little spoiled today and I can't wait to see and show pictures (I've been a picture slacker though, ugh.)
I spent some sweet time with Kara- one of our translators and missionary friend from Texas. We just talked about our lives and I feel inspired by her sacrificial outpouring to the people of El Salvador and I hope she was encouraged today in knowing what a Kingdom servant she truly is.
This evening a few girls and I joined a sweet mother, Abbi, to see her girls dance recital. It was so neat to be a family to them when they don't have any here. Abbi is one of our translators and she has four kids and a passion to spend her time sharing Christ... One of the sweetest people ever, without a doubt.
So tonight... What about tonight is stretching my heart in aching pains for things that I cannot fix?? What about what I've seen has stirred up a passion for things I never new were such a trigger to my emotions? Feeding the homeless. We loaded up a truck with bags of food and piled in... We drove to places downtown where the people sleep in piles on one another, lining the sidewalks and under the overpasses. These people have nothing... I saw just how valuable a cardboard box was to them tonight. They were desperate for them-- something that is our trash can literally be their treasure. We handed out 100 or more meals to these people. I had the opportunity to get out of the truck and deliver food to a woman asleep on the sidewalk.. She was pregnant and sleeping on the street. I saw at least three small children. My heart naturally ached harder for the children; but then i thought why? Because they need to be nurtured and loved on... But each body I saw has a soul too, they are a child of God with a story. I pray for them tonight to see light in a very dark time in their lives.
What really burdened me the most were the street corners with prostitutes who have the lowest perception of self worth... There isn't one of those women that could say they want o be doing that for a way of life. No person wants to be abused and used up. I am just incredibly broken over this right now to the point of tears. I so desperately want to take these women and pay them a nights wage for some time to tell them that God designed them for so much more in life. That he can make a way to provide without the compromise of their dignity and that they are made in His image. How can I help this tragedy of a cycle of living in personally demeaning ways and behaviors? How can we get people off the streets? I just want to do something so bad that I feel sick to my stomach.
Please Lord, pave a way to end this tragic lifestyle. Provide necessities to take care of these women and men living life without a home and purpose. Show me what more I can do.
She has a pursuer.. A Hosea.. A God that pleas for our heart and desires us as His own. There is someone willing to take her for who she is.. I beg for a redemption story to intervene and mend the hearts of the street dwelling women who do not understand Gods love.
I don't want to leave this place because I feel so at home and where I'm needed most as an instrument for God right now. Let me be this always.
and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there,
as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt." Hosea 2:15
I have been captured by tragedy this evening and I my heart literally aches for what I've seen tonight.
Today was a good day and much was accomplished. I'd say the team has been enclosed in close quarters excessively... Fortunately, I got to get away twice to do some behind the scenes errands. We decorated girls rooms and it was neat to bless people in a special way that shows them they are worth us spending extra money to give them an at home, cozy feeling. Boy did we do it big in the teen moms room!! They got a little spoiled today and I can't wait to see and show pictures (I've been a picture slacker though, ugh.)
I spent some sweet time with Kara- one of our translators and missionary friend from Texas. We just talked about our lives and I feel inspired by her sacrificial outpouring to the people of El Salvador and I hope she was encouraged today in knowing what a Kingdom servant she truly is.
This evening a few girls and I joined a sweet mother, Abbi, to see her girls dance recital. It was so neat to be a family to them when they don't have any here. Abbi is one of our translators and she has four kids and a passion to spend her time sharing Christ... One of the sweetest people ever, without a doubt.
So tonight... What about tonight is stretching my heart in aching pains for things that I cannot fix?? What about what I've seen has stirred up a passion for things I never new were such a trigger to my emotions? Feeding the homeless. We loaded up a truck with bags of food and piled in... We drove to places downtown where the people sleep in piles on one another, lining the sidewalks and under the overpasses. These people have nothing... I saw just how valuable a cardboard box was to them tonight. They were desperate for them-- something that is our trash can literally be their treasure. We handed out 100 or more meals to these people. I had the opportunity to get out of the truck and deliver food to a woman asleep on the sidewalk.. She was pregnant and sleeping on the street. I saw at least three small children. My heart naturally ached harder for the children; but then i thought why? Because they need to be nurtured and loved on... But each body I saw has a soul too, they are a child of God with a story. I pray for them tonight to see light in a very dark time in their lives.
What really burdened me the most were the street corners with prostitutes who have the lowest perception of self worth... There isn't one of those women that could say they want o be doing that for a way of life. No person wants to be abused and used up. I am just incredibly broken over this right now to the point of tears. I so desperately want to take these women and pay them a nights wage for some time to tell them that God designed them for so much more in life. That he can make a way to provide without the compromise of their dignity and that they are made in His image. How can I help this tragedy of a cycle of living in personally demeaning ways and behaviors? How can we get people off the streets? I just want to do something so bad that I feel sick to my stomach.
Please Lord, pave a way to end this tragic lifestyle. Provide necessities to take care of these women and men living life without a home and purpose. Show me what more I can do.
She has a pursuer.. A Hosea.. A God that pleas for our heart and desires us as His own. There is someone willing to take her for who she is.. I beg for a redemption story to intervene and mend the hearts of the street dwelling women who do not understand Gods love.
I don't want to leave this place because I feel so at home and where I'm needed most as an instrument for God right now. Let me be this always.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
It was a party!
Setting an example through our actions, demeanor, words, and desires is what today was about for me.
A day at the beach is hardly qualified mission work-- this was the assumption I had before going. I thought to myself that we could be doing so much more with our time- like building something, picking up trash, or feeding the homeless. And then I remembered my alabaster jar... I believe some party time for the CISNA boys was in there!!
I looked up at one point today and couldn't even tell I was in another country. Kind of felt like going into a good friend's house and helping yourself to what's in the fridge. The music was playing, the guys were grilling, boys were splashing in the pool... A typical American lifestyle. Except, this was the first for many of those boys. They were enabled to be young boys today. The were filled with so much joy. It was priceless to see their faces.
I also witnessed one of our sweet teen girls sharing her testimony with a few boys... Because of that message I truly believe they have a new perspective on how to treat women and what healthy God fashioned relationships are supposed to be like. She was attempting to live out her God story in hopes that these guys could see Jesus in her life so that they could make him part of theirs.
Another moment of blessing was tonight when Kurt and Susan, our missionary hosts, shared their story of leaving their comfortable lives to radically live for Christ. Their hearts are so genuine and I admire what God is doing in them. You never know what God might tell Laine and I...
Tomorrow we go back to CIPI.. I pray I see my sweet sleeping angel from Sunday! I'm also excited to spend time with the teen girls.
Lift these broken hearts unto to Lord and rejoice in all that God is doing to shake up lives.
A day at the beach is hardly qualified mission work-- this was the assumption I had before going. I thought to myself that we could be doing so much more with our time- like building something, picking up trash, or feeding the homeless. And then I remembered my alabaster jar... I believe some party time for the CISNA boys was in there!!
I looked up at one point today and couldn't even tell I was in another country. Kind of felt like going into a good friend's house and helping yourself to what's in the fridge. The music was playing, the guys were grilling, boys were splashing in the pool... A typical American lifestyle. Except, this was the first for many of those boys. They were enabled to be young boys today. The were filled with so much joy. It was priceless to see their faces.
I also witnessed one of our sweet teen girls sharing her testimony with a few boys... Because of that message I truly believe they have a new perspective on how to treat women and what healthy God fashioned relationships are supposed to be like. She was attempting to live out her God story in hopes that these guys could see Jesus in her life so that they could make him part of theirs.
Another moment of blessing was tonight when Kurt and Susan, our missionary hosts, shared their story of leaving their comfortable lives to radically live for Christ. Their hearts are so genuine and I admire what God is doing in them. You never know what God might tell Laine and I...
Tomorrow we go back to CIPI.. I pray I see my sweet sleeping angel from Sunday! I'm also excited to spend time with the teen girls.
Lift these broken hearts unto to Lord and rejoice in all that God is doing to shake up lives.
Feeling at home.
Today was a lot different. I feel like God is helping me to pull it together so I'm not such a sob bag all the time. I would never say I didn't still feel pain and anger for what I've seen, and I hope I never ever stop hurting for those that matter so much to God.
Today we were at CISNA- a boys orphanage. I spent the morning knee deep in a bathroom full of... Well all the goodies you find in there.. And then some. I was definitely humbled. It was amazing watching Laine in the worst part of the bathroom. The man who gags at the smell of everything. He worked so hard and never said a word.
We did our bible story and I think I'm finally getting used to telling it with a translator now. These boys were amazing today... They just wanted a momma and a daddy. They revealed to me the utter significance of relationship that God gave us a craving for... not by accident. The relationship of mother and father to a child is just a portrait of God in our lives'--or it should be. How can these children survive without the deepest need all humans have... Love.
We definitely did some loving! I'm sure these boys just thought, "what are these crazy white people doing here cleaning up our poo?". Yep, it's because God loves in ridiculous and unconditional ways.
I really love teenagers. Fyi. Even though only 3 of our youth babies are on this trip, Laine and I have naturally just taken each one of them into our youth baby custody. We are having such a blast watching God use them in their fearless and radical postures and behaviors. I just sat back and watched them and they were Jesus to me in that moment.
Tomorrow we are taking about 40 boys to the beach. This will be crazy! But I can't wait for the abundance of joy God is going to just pour on all of us.
I can easily picture this becoming reality. Today I just kind of felt at home. There's no better place than where our greatest passion meets the world's greatest needs. (I didn't make that up...)
Tonight I am blessed by Matthew 26:1-13. The woman with the alabaster jar... A woman who took a very costly item (perhaps worth 3 years wages) and she poured the perfume from her jar on the head of Jesus. In good intentions the disciples judged her; thinking the money from that jar could have been given to the poor. However, Jesus defends her and says it is not waste: he says "The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me." We aren't to live in pursuit of the poor or place them as priority over the purpose-- the purpose remains as this: to live our lives in reckless abandonment for Christ. Giving up what looks so costly and feels so good, simply because we love Jesus more There will always be poverty-- this woman gave all she had in the most costly way to Jesus. This is what we are to do.
In so doing this, the poor will inevitably see Jesus and our sacrifice remains in honor of Christ. Doing for the least of these is doing for Him. We have got to live every moment, having counted the cost, and ready to abandon everything for Him. I actually feel like for one of the first times in my life I have an alabaster jar that is being poured out- even if just a few drops.
Lord, may tomorrow be about giving up my comforts and selfishness so that I'm all yours for these boys. May our relationships enable them to know who you are.
Today we were at CISNA- a boys orphanage. I spent the morning knee deep in a bathroom full of... Well all the goodies you find in there.. And then some. I was definitely humbled. It was amazing watching Laine in the worst part of the bathroom. The man who gags at the smell of everything. He worked so hard and never said a word.
We did our bible story and I think I'm finally getting used to telling it with a translator now. These boys were amazing today... They just wanted a momma and a daddy. They revealed to me the utter significance of relationship that God gave us a craving for... not by accident. The relationship of mother and father to a child is just a portrait of God in our lives'--or it should be. How can these children survive without the deepest need all humans have... Love.
We definitely did some loving! I'm sure these boys just thought, "what are these crazy white people doing here cleaning up our poo?". Yep, it's because God loves in ridiculous and unconditional ways.
I really love teenagers. Fyi. Even though only 3 of our youth babies are on this trip, Laine and I have naturally just taken each one of them into our youth baby custody. We are having such a blast watching God use them in their fearless and radical postures and behaviors. I just sat back and watched them and they were Jesus to me in that moment.
Tomorrow we are taking about 40 boys to the beach. This will be crazy! But I can't wait for the abundance of joy God is going to just pour on all of us.
I can easily picture this becoming reality. Today I just kind of felt at home. There's no better place than where our greatest passion meets the world's greatest needs. (I didn't make that up...)
Tonight I am blessed by Matthew 26:1-13. The woman with the alabaster jar... A woman who took a very costly item (perhaps worth 3 years wages) and she poured the perfume from her jar on the head of Jesus. In good intentions the disciples judged her; thinking the money from that jar could have been given to the poor. However, Jesus defends her and says it is not waste: he says "The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me." We aren't to live in pursuit of the poor or place them as priority over the purpose-- the purpose remains as this: to live our lives in reckless abandonment for Christ. Giving up what looks so costly and feels so good, simply because we love Jesus more There will always be poverty-- this woman gave all she had in the most costly way to Jesus. This is what we are to do.
In so doing this, the poor will inevitably see Jesus and our sacrifice remains in honor of Christ. Doing for the least of these is doing for Him. We have got to live every moment, having counted the cost, and ready to abandon everything for Him. I actually feel like for one of the first times in my life I have an alabaster jar that is being poured out- even if just a few drops.
Lord, may tomorrow be about giving up my comforts and selfishness so that I'm all yours for these boys. May our relationships enable them to know who you are.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Mad.
This isn't get any easier, only more draining on my emotions that I feel mentally and emotionally wore out. I think fewer words will have to take precedence as there aren't really any that can adequately describe what is happening in this country and ultimately in my own heart.
Today we spent most of the day at a special needs orphanage. There are both children and adults that live there. I believe all my senses were used to trigger deep seated emotions-- today wasn't as much about compassion surfacing as it was intense sadness that stemmed into anger. Upon walking into the first room at San Martin, a severe smell caught me off guard- imagine the most tragic gas station bathroom and you still are in better shape. I actually was upset that I cringed at the smell and beat myself up about my discomfort in the midst of what my eyes were about to see...
Pablito is a man trapped in his own body with decaying hands and feet... Scabs and sores covered him to the point of not physically being able to do anything but lay in his bed in agonizing discomfort. The pain in his eyes felt like a knife stabbing my heart.
Leaving the first room I passed a girl whose diaper fell off and no one was around to help in what would be an utter embarrassing moment for you or I-- she was a young adult.
Next, I met a boy that could no longer walk and suffered severe brain damage. No, he was not born with it. He was used to traffic drugs through placing them in his body- his stomach had been cut open to do this. A tragic mishap caused damage to his brain and ultimately an end to any sort of decent living.
You can bet anger was burning in my veins.
These were just a few of the countless tragedies I saw today.
How can this be fair? How can I have legs that walk, a mind that thinks, words to speak, and hands to work-- and these precious people are just stuck. Stuck existing in a body that is so useless... How can I be so blessed and have so much, yet there isn't a thing they are entitled to, yet alone a family to love on them??
I'm furious. Shattered. Dumbfounded. Devastated. I'm just at a loss.
To top off my day I spent time in an AIDS orphanage with children who appeared healthy but are ultimately dying inside... Again, not fair. What did they do to deserve this?
We then gave away food in a squatter's camp and prayed with families. Their homes were made of whatever materials they could find. Sticks, tarps, used scrap metal, trash bags... Their biggest prayer request was that they get to stay in their home. Stay in a place most of us wouldn't be caught dead in.
Emotions took over. Is it okay to mad? To get angry with fury that I just want to scream? Yes.
It's about what we choose to do with our emotions that counts. God created anger. When Jesus was angry about something he showed it. He turned over tables and said not in my fathers house will you behave like this... People changed. People were inspired. He did something about a wrong to make it right.
I'm angry because God wants me angry. I'm angry because God wants me to choose to make a wrong right. With great blessings comes a lot of responsibility. How will I use this emotion?
I was led to the scripture about the talents... In Matthew 25, a few guys were given an abundance in different amounts. The one with the most multiplied his as did the second. The servant with just one talent chose to tuck his away for safe keeping. He was scared to use what God gave him. But, God said to the first two "you were faithful with a few things, now I will give you many." To the one who hid his he was called worthless and thrown into darkness.
I believe God is determining how faithful I can be to determine the next step. I must do something with the feelings God has exposed me to... I've gotta be more Jesus and less Felicia.
Please pray for many emotionally broken team members trying to understand... We are hurting for the hurt.
God was glorified today, may it continue tomorrow.
Today we spent most of the day at a special needs orphanage. There are both children and adults that live there. I believe all my senses were used to trigger deep seated emotions-- today wasn't as much about compassion surfacing as it was intense sadness that stemmed into anger. Upon walking into the first room at San Martin, a severe smell caught me off guard- imagine the most tragic gas station bathroom and you still are in better shape. I actually was upset that I cringed at the smell and beat myself up about my discomfort in the midst of what my eyes were about to see...
Pablito is a man trapped in his own body with decaying hands and feet... Scabs and sores covered him to the point of not physically being able to do anything but lay in his bed in agonizing discomfort. The pain in his eyes felt like a knife stabbing my heart.
Leaving the first room I passed a girl whose diaper fell off and no one was around to help in what would be an utter embarrassing moment for you or I-- she was a young adult.
Next, I met a boy that could no longer walk and suffered severe brain damage. No, he was not born with it. He was used to traffic drugs through placing them in his body- his stomach had been cut open to do this. A tragic mishap caused damage to his brain and ultimately an end to any sort of decent living.
You can bet anger was burning in my veins.
These were just a few of the countless tragedies I saw today.
How can this be fair? How can I have legs that walk, a mind that thinks, words to speak, and hands to work-- and these precious people are just stuck. Stuck existing in a body that is so useless... How can I be so blessed and have so much, yet there isn't a thing they are entitled to, yet alone a family to love on them??
I'm furious. Shattered. Dumbfounded. Devastated. I'm just at a loss.
To top off my day I spent time in an AIDS orphanage with children who appeared healthy but are ultimately dying inside... Again, not fair. What did they do to deserve this?
We then gave away food in a squatter's camp and prayed with families. Their homes were made of whatever materials they could find. Sticks, tarps, used scrap metal, trash bags... Their biggest prayer request was that they get to stay in their home. Stay in a place most of us wouldn't be caught dead in.
Emotions took over. Is it okay to mad? To get angry with fury that I just want to scream? Yes.
It's about what we choose to do with our emotions that counts. God created anger. When Jesus was angry about something he showed it. He turned over tables and said not in my fathers house will you behave like this... People changed. People were inspired. He did something about a wrong to make it right.
I'm angry because God wants me angry. I'm angry because God wants me to choose to make a wrong right. With great blessings comes a lot of responsibility. How will I use this emotion?
I was led to the scripture about the talents... In Matthew 25, a few guys were given an abundance in different amounts. The one with the most multiplied his as did the second. The servant with just one talent chose to tuck his away for safe keeping. He was scared to use what God gave him. But, God said to the first two "you were faithful with a few things, now I will give you many." To the one who hid his he was called worthless and thrown into darkness.
I believe God is determining how faithful I can be to determine the next step. I must do something with the feelings God has exposed me to... I've gotta be more Jesus and less Felicia.
Please pray for many emotionally broken team members trying to understand... We are hurting for the hurt.
God was glorified today, may it continue tomorrow.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Su Dios es mi Dios.
A boy on our team named Avery so perfectly described his encounter with a little girl tonight and I just felt as if the image was my own...
He held a little girl that tightly grasped his neck and began to touch his face, and her legs were wrapped around him-- she was so tightly snuggled into him and she looked up with a smile so full of joy for the love he showed her.
I truly feel that God is holding me in a way that I want to touch his face and know him so much more because of how remarkable his love is for me.
Let me preface this with: my words will not come near the reality of what I experienced today. I am in utter amazement by what I saw and the complete devastation the lives of children are in.
I caught myself weeping at least 4 times today. I'm emotionally consumed in a way I've never known. My heart is pounding to a rhythm it's not felt and I'm broken into more pieces and directions than can even be identified.
The day began with a very eager team (primarily our lovely teenage girls)-no one took advantage of the 9:30 departure time- instead I think the team was ready by 7 am!! I believe some sweet get to know you time was necessary and such a blessing. We all nervously put the final touches on our ministry projects without a clue of what to expect, but we did it with quite the sense of humor.
We attended a local church that was filled with some true Jesus worshippers. Cry número uno occurred here. I was filled by God's sweet spirit watching and joining in the worship of another language. I fully saw a God that has deemed love the universal language- and His love is unchanging and constant and ever present in my own life just as it is in el Salvador.
Lunch was muy bueno... Cheese and chicken quesadillas at a yummy "Mexican" restaurant. What a tasty and filling meal to prepare me for what was to come.
Today we spent the majority of the day and evening at CIPI, which is an orphanage of a lot of diversity. I began with the teenage girls where sob numero dos occurred. A skit by our outstanding teens was put on and then a message about a Father that far surpasses any earthly father was presented. Many girls began shedding tears because all they ever wanted in life was to be loved by a daddy. I just began to examine my heart and how blessed I am to have both. These girls just wanted us to hug on and love on them... I hugged a sweet girl that didn't want to let go. I really believe through nail painting and make up and conversation these girls felt the love of God- that came to them without need for them to earn it, but simply unconditionally.
Next, I spent time with the teenage mothers, whi were just babies themselves. Simply holding their babies gave them a moment to relax and feel cared for. Many of these girls live in the orphanage because they were in danger at home-- whether it was a gang member boyfriend or a rapist father- these girls werent in good hands. Today they found out they are in God's hands and he does have a plan even in their circumstances.
Okay, so many more stories could be shared like how I've never seen so much pizza inhaled by such small children or how baby holding should be a sport and I'd have the most points because I'm that good... Or even Laine's sweet moments of working with the special needs kids and how God revealed needs he never knew existed and just how overtaken with compassion he was and is. (tomorrow we spend most of the day at the special needs orphanages, along with an AIDS orphanage, and going to a village to give away food gifts and Bibles)
Okay this moment of the day is where God really got a hold of me and all I could do was weep:
I noticed a little girl (maybe 3 years old) wondering around and she looked kind of sad- I reached out to her and she ignored me, which is rare, and walked away. About an hour later I noticed her again, only more sad and more lost and even whimpering softly. I knelt down to her and she latched on to me and just started to cry. I quickly yelled for a translator because I was afraid she was sick or hurting... She would not respond but slowly she started o get calm. I just hugged her in a way I don't think I've ever connected with someone before. And lo and behold, I began to cry again. I started praying over this girl as she let out sad cries that revealed the hurt she had of loneliness and rejection. It was only about 10 minutes later until this little angel was sound asleep in my arms. Tears just streamed down my face as i felt her tiny malnourished arms and Jody (our team leader) came to me and asked what was wrong. I told him I didn't know but that it seemed to all be okay now- he simply said that that sweet girl needs a mommy to love her, and I felt like that was me- if only for a moment- it was unlike any other encounter with a child I ever felt. I connected to her and God placed me there to allow her to feel those snuggles and kisses. I am sure she has never fallen asleep in someones arms like she did tonight. I then tucked her into a tiny bed that had holes in the sheets and was shared with another child- tightly and gently with kisses and all. I can't wait to be a mommy-- and maybe even to someone like this little angel.
My joy is so complete with that moment of love.
I know my heart is being transformed. And I like it.
Praise be to the God of gentle and compassionate kisses and snuggles.
He held a little girl that tightly grasped his neck and began to touch his face, and her legs were wrapped around him-- she was so tightly snuggled into him and she looked up with a smile so full of joy for the love he showed her.
I truly feel that God is holding me in a way that I want to touch his face and know him so much more because of how remarkable his love is for me.
Let me preface this with: my words will not come near the reality of what I experienced today. I am in utter amazement by what I saw and the complete devastation the lives of children are in.
I caught myself weeping at least 4 times today. I'm emotionally consumed in a way I've never known. My heart is pounding to a rhythm it's not felt and I'm broken into more pieces and directions than can even be identified.
The day began with a very eager team (primarily our lovely teenage girls)-no one took advantage of the 9:30 departure time- instead I think the team was ready by 7 am!! I believe some sweet get to know you time was necessary and such a blessing. We all nervously put the final touches on our ministry projects without a clue of what to expect, but we did it with quite the sense of humor.
We attended a local church that was filled with some true Jesus worshippers. Cry número uno occurred here. I was filled by God's sweet spirit watching and joining in the worship of another language. I fully saw a God that has deemed love the universal language- and His love is unchanging and constant and ever present in my own life just as it is in el Salvador.
Lunch was muy bueno... Cheese and chicken quesadillas at a yummy "Mexican" restaurant. What a tasty and filling meal to prepare me for what was to come.
Today we spent the majority of the day and evening at CIPI, which is an orphanage of a lot of diversity. I began with the teenage girls where sob numero dos occurred. A skit by our outstanding teens was put on and then a message about a Father that far surpasses any earthly father was presented. Many girls began shedding tears because all they ever wanted in life was to be loved by a daddy. I just began to examine my heart and how blessed I am to have both. These girls just wanted us to hug on and love on them... I hugged a sweet girl that didn't want to let go. I really believe through nail painting and make up and conversation these girls felt the love of God- that came to them without need for them to earn it, but simply unconditionally.
Next, I spent time with the teenage mothers, whi were just babies themselves. Simply holding their babies gave them a moment to relax and feel cared for. Many of these girls live in the orphanage because they were in danger at home-- whether it was a gang member boyfriend or a rapist father- these girls werent in good hands. Today they found out they are in God's hands and he does have a plan even in their circumstances.
Okay, so many more stories could be shared like how I've never seen so much pizza inhaled by such small children or how baby holding should be a sport and I'd have the most points because I'm that good... Or even Laine's sweet moments of working with the special needs kids and how God revealed needs he never knew existed and just how overtaken with compassion he was and is. (tomorrow we spend most of the day at the special needs orphanages, along with an AIDS orphanage, and going to a village to give away food gifts and Bibles)
Okay this moment of the day is where God really got a hold of me and all I could do was weep:
I noticed a little girl (maybe 3 years old) wondering around and she looked kind of sad- I reached out to her and she ignored me, which is rare, and walked away. About an hour later I noticed her again, only more sad and more lost and even whimpering softly. I knelt down to her and she latched on to me and just started to cry. I quickly yelled for a translator because I was afraid she was sick or hurting... She would not respond but slowly she started o get calm. I just hugged her in a way I don't think I've ever connected with someone before. And lo and behold, I began to cry again. I started praying over this girl as she let out sad cries that revealed the hurt she had of loneliness and rejection. It was only about 10 minutes later until this little angel was sound asleep in my arms. Tears just streamed down my face as i felt her tiny malnourished arms and Jody (our team leader) came to me and asked what was wrong. I told him I didn't know but that it seemed to all be okay now- he simply said that that sweet girl needs a mommy to love her, and I felt like that was me- if only for a moment- it was unlike any other encounter with a child I ever felt. I connected to her and God placed me there to allow her to feel those snuggles and kisses. I am sure she has never fallen asleep in someones arms like she did tonight. I then tucked her into a tiny bed that had holes in the sheets and was shared with another child- tightly and gently with kisses and all. I can't wait to be a mommy-- and maybe even to someone like this little angel.
My joy is so complete with that moment of love.
I know my heart is being transformed. And I like it.
Praise be to the God of gentle and compassionate kisses and snuggles.
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