Mad.

This isn't get any easier, only more draining on my emotions that I feel mentally and emotionally wore out. I think fewer words will have to take precedence as there aren't really any that can adequately describe what is happening in this country and ultimately in my own heart.

Today we spent most of the day at a special needs orphanage. There are both children and adults that live there. I believe all my senses were used to trigger deep seated emotions-- today wasn't as much about compassion surfacing as it was intense sadness that stemmed into anger. Upon walking into the first room at San Martin, a severe smell caught me off guard- imagine the most tragic gas station bathroom and you still are in better shape. I actually was upset that I cringed at the smell and beat myself up about my discomfort in the midst of what my eyes were about to see...

Pablito is a man trapped in his own body with decaying hands and feet... Scabs and sores covered him to the point of not physically being able to do anything but lay in his bed in agonizing discomfort. The pain in his eyes felt like a knife stabbing my heart.

Leaving the first room I passed a girl whose diaper fell off and no one was around to help in what would be an utter embarrassing moment for you or I-- she was a young adult.

Next, I met a boy that could no longer walk and suffered severe brain damage. No, he was not born with it. He was used to traffic drugs through placing them in his body- his stomach had been cut open to do this. A tragic mishap caused damage to his brain and ultimately an end to any sort of decent living.

You can bet anger was burning in my veins.

These were just a few of the countless tragedies I saw today.

How can this be fair? How can I have legs that walk, a mind that thinks, words to speak, and hands to work-- and these precious people are just stuck. Stuck existing in a body that is so useless... How can I be so blessed and have so much, yet there isn't a thing they are entitled to, yet alone a family to love on them??

I'm furious. Shattered. Dumbfounded. Devastated. I'm just at a loss.

To top off my day I spent time in an AIDS orphanage with children who appeared healthy but are ultimately dying inside... Again, not fair. What did they do to deserve this?  

We then gave away food in a squatter's     camp and prayed with families. Their homes were made of whatever materials they could find. Sticks, tarps, used scrap metal, trash bags... Their biggest prayer request was that they get to stay in their home. Stay in a place most of us wouldn't be caught dead in.

Emotions took over. Is it okay to mad? To get angry with fury that I just want to scream? Yes.

It's about what we choose to do with our emotions that counts. God created anger. When Jesus was angry about something he showed it. He turned over tables and said not in my fathers house will you behave like this... People changed. People were inspired. He did something about a wrong to make it right.

I'm angry because God wants me angry. I'm angry because God wants me to choose to make a wrong right. With great blessings comes a lot of responsibility. How will I use this emotion?

I was led to the scripture about the talents... In Matthew 25, a few guys were given an abundance in different amounts. The one with the most multiplied his as did the second. The servant with just one talent chose to tuck his away for safe keeping. He was scared to use what God gave him. But, God said to the first two "you were faithful with a few things, now I will give you many." To the one who hid his he was called worthless and thrown into darkness.

I believe God is determining how faithful I can be to determine the next step.  I must do something with the feelings God has exposed me to... I've gotta be more Jesus and less Felicia.

Please pray for many emotionally broken team members trying to understand... We are hurting for the hurt.

God was glorified today, may it continue tomorrow.